Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
