My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
