I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
