Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
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