he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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