That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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