Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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