and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Randomize
