im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Randomize
