I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
