Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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