the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
