At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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