dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize