If i come over, it means nothing
I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
this hospital has no fireball
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
