Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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