We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
