It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
This baby is an asshole
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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