i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Less talking, more tequila
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
