Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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