Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
