Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
