apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
my being single is dangerous.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
