i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize