Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
