After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
