You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
