tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
he fucked my hip out of place.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
