Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Randomize
