my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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