You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
