I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
