Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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