Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
i think im in europe. pls send help
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
