1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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