You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
