everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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