he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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