Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
