It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
