I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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