Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize