4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
