Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
