I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
