Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
