I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize