Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
