I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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