So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
