He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize