Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
