Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
