i don't like sucking hair
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
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