watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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