You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
