Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
