You made me cry and you don't even care
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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