if i can run in heels then i can drive
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize