I bet he comes in French.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
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